


JFK to NRT

by Wintergrew



Series: Post GoL [2]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: 1980s, Airplanes, Canon - Manga, Do-Over, Dreams, Flashbacks, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Loss, Post-Side Story: Garden of Light, Regret, Side Story: Garden of Light
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 22:03:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20460206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wintergrew/pseuds/Wintergrew
Summary: 53 year old Eiji Okumura has always had vivid dreams of the past in picture perfect clarity for as long as he could remember. Good memories, bad memories, memories he wished desperately he could change. Only once on a flight a few years ago did he ever dream of something that didn't happen.





	JFK to NRT

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this on an airplane in January with a completely different plot in mind.

As the sun came up the alarm chimed. Birds chirped, cars drove by, and in the distance a barking dog could be heard. Sunlight peeked through the window, hitting his face to further bring home the point, fully breaking him from his dreams. Just as well, it wasn’t a particularly pleasant dream. It was time to get up and move on, to live another day on this planet mankind calls home.

Eiji sighed as he reached for his phone on his dresser to turn off the alarm. It was an iPhone, albeit an older model. It was a gift from Sing for his 50th a few years back. Sing had insisted that in this day and age he couldn't keep going around with his old flip phone--despite Eiji's own objections that he was getting along swimmingly without. Truth be told, the only reason he got the _ flip phone _ years ago was Sing's insistence. Yet, despite everything, he had to admit that the smartphone was a handy enough thing and thought it was nice that it could act as an easy alarm. Still, he never really could keep up with the modern technology. It seemed like every minute there was something new even though what already existed was fine enough. Maybe he was getting too old.

He didn't really have time to dwell on it right now, though. Today he had a fight to catch.

Despite being a naturalized American citizen for some decades now, Eiji still made an effort to visit his country of origin as much as he could. He still had family there, after all. His loudmouth baby sister managed to find herself a man and now had two kids to show for it. Two little girls. The elder of the two, Ayaka, had just turned fourteen, which was a scary thought. At least Hana was still only eight.

It was also important for him to see his mother. She was in her 80s now, after all. She seemed healthy enough, but given how Ayaka had seemed to jump from four to fourteen overnight, he knew before long she wouldn't be. A funny thing, time was.

He poured himself some coffee, grabbed himself a doughnut, and sat down at the kitchen table in his apartment. Years ago he would have objected to this unhealthy American breakfast and instead took the time to make himself a healthy one like he had growing up in Japan. Nowadays, however, he felt himself succumbing to the American-esque convenience of just grabbing an unhealthy should-be-desert breakfast pastry. Probably not the best point of his life to do this—his doctor warned him about his cholesterol. 

A buzz at his door interrupted his thoughts, however. A buzz he had been expecting.

"Hi Retsu," Eiji smiled as he opened the door, "You're early! I haven't even gotten dressed yet."

"Oh, sorry Mr. Okumura," the teenager at the door blushed bashfully. Retsu was Sing's teenage son, a good boy with a good head on his shoulders. Eiji had known him since he was just three days old curled up in his mother’s arms in her hospital bed, so he knew could trust to look after his place while he left.

"It's no problem," Eiji laughed, opening the door wider. “Come in, come in. Do you want a doughnut? Something to drink? I think Scratches is still hiding under my bed."

Scratches was Eiji’s elderly cat. After the death of his beloved dog Buddy, Sing's wife Akira gifted him Scratches as a kitten. A rescue kitten, she had insisted. Eiji was hesitant to take in any other animal, let alone a cat, but he quickly found himself warming up to it. The cat was no Buddy, but he was a nice companion that would sit loyally on his lap as he attempted to edit his photography on his laptop. Usually he would take the cat to the vet to stay when he traveled for longer than a few days, but in the past year his next door neighbor also left her small parakeet on him when she was planning to move to the other side of the country. He wasn't the biggest bird fanatic and it drove the cat crazy, but he couldn't let her just let it into the wild like the young, naive former owner planned. He felt the bird was lonely, so Eiji decided to get it a friend at the local shelter.

So now with three animals, Eiji was more than relieved when Akira offered the idea of having Retsu pet sit for him.

"Make sure Scratches isn't hovering whenever you open the cage," Eiji explained as he handed the bird food to the teenager, "And of course, don't let them out of the cage unless the cat isn't in the room and the door is closed. Well, and the window has to be closed too, but I think that goes without saying. Point is, I don't want to come back with two less pets."

"Of course!" Retsu nodded eagerly, "I'll make sure to be careful. You don't have to worry!"

"I'm not worried, kid. I trust you," Eiji gripped the younger's shoulder with a smile before turning to his bedroom. "Now, let me finish getting ready so I don't miss my flight. Your money is in an envelope on the counter."

"Thanks," Retsu answered, a little pink.

"Just no party, okay?" Eiji called as he went through the doorway, "I don't want to hear any noise complaints from neighbors."

"O-Of course not, Sir!" the teen stammered.

"I'm just teasing you!" he laughed.

\---

Eiji sighed as he waited in the terminal for the zone on his ticket to be called for boarding. He was a later zone, sitting in the back of the plane, so figured he had a while. Which was fine with him, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to sitting on the plane. 

He hated flying. He hated making the fight from New York to Japan with every fiber of his being. 

Luckily he only needed two flights, one from New York to Tokyo, then one more short flight to his hometown of Izumo.

Though he knew it wasn't the 14 hour flight time that was what bothered him, he thought to himself as he handed his ticket and passport over to the airline attendant as he went through the gate. Not really.

He sighed as he made his way to his seat, forcing his heavy carry-on luggage into the overhead compartment. He didn’t want to lose his camera equipment and was paranoid of his check-in bags being lost, so he always lugged it around with him. Of course, it was a pain going through the security and xray, but it was better than it being lost. 

He would be fine. He'd make it there like every other time. It was a full flight, much to his dismay. He got a window seat. He took some medicine a friend recommended to calm his nerves. He wasn’t sure it helped--they still felt like they were skyrocketing. Hopefully he would sleep most of the way there. Hopefully, unlike the last time he flew from New York to Japan, where he had a terrible dream. Or rather, a good dream. So good, so realistic that once he woke up it felt extremely cruel.

_ "Can't believe I actually made the flight." _

The voice in his dream echoed in his mind even now. At the time, the woman next to him fearfully asked him what was wrong when he woke up sobbing. As a middle aged man, it was kind of humiliating.

He hoped that the people next to him weren't going to mind that he was going to have the window shade shut the whole time. He plugged in his headphones and went through his music list on his phone. The remote on his old pair of headphones annoyingly stopped working a few days ago to his dismay, it was so convenient compared to having to flip through the music app himself. He laughed to himself at how spoiled he had gotten with modern technology. Still, as the airplane took off, he went through to the app and hoped that the shuffle play would sing him to sleep.

\---

_ “How do you not know American music? Are you not the American?” the 19 year old asked incredulously, yet with a shit eating grin. _

_ “I don’t know, I just don’t,” the 17 year old frowned with a shrug, trying to hide a pout, “It’s not some  _ requirement  _ to keep up with all of that.” He collapsed down on the sofa in their shared apartment, pretending to not care at all about is lack of knowledge in the basic pop culture of his country. _

_ “It’s not  _ required _ but it’s still great!” Eiji laughed, walking over to the sofa. Ash’s shoes were on the furniture--annoyingly typical of him. Eiji lightly pushed his legs off the sofa so he could sit down next to him. “I don’t get how you haven’t even heard a single Queen song.” _

_ “I may not have listened to their music, but at least I know that they’re British, not American.” _

_ “Fine,” Eiji rolled his eyes, “English language music. Do you not like music?” _

_ “It’s not that,” Ash frowned, looking away towards the window. _

_ “Then what?” he kept laughing. _

_ “Eiji think about it.” _

_ “Nope, nothing.” _

_ “Don’t make me spell it out,” he scowled, “You know how my childhood was.” _

_ “Huh?” Eiji’s smirk suddenly fell from his face. _

_ “Dino didn’t let me listen to modern music, alright? Or movies and TV, for that matter.” _

_ Immediately after he said it, his face changed from the annoyed scowl to a more somber expression, his jade green eyes narrowing. “He said it was beneath me. Weirdo thought pop culture would  _ taint  _ me, whatever that means. A couple years ago, I snuck out to see Return of the Jedi in the theater with some of the other street kids. Unfortunately, one of his piece of shit goons saw us leave and--” he trailed off. _

_ “Oh,” Eiji responded. He couldn’t think of anything else to say.  _

_ “Don’t worry about it,” Ash shrugged it off, getting up from the sofa. He probably wasn’t at all fine, but he usually tended to brush things off. Sure, Eiji knew it wasn’t healthy for him, that his true feelings would always come out when he cried in his sleep. but he didn’t want to push him. “I’m going to take a shower,” Ash announced, heading towards their bathroom. _

_ “Okay,” Eiji tried to smile.  _

_ He decided he wouldn’t mention music any more. _

\---

Eiji opened his eyes. Despite the seemingly long length of the dream, the airplane was still making its initial ascent and the song he had fallen asleep to hadn’t even finished yet. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. Of course it was, that’s what likely triggered the memory.

It was normal for him to have dreams of the past, so perfectly recreated. He thought it was normal or everyone, after all it was a common trope in much of media to have flashbacks in the form of dreams. Yet when he casually mentioned it to Sing a few months ago, he had insisted that it wasn’t. He claimed that sure, people have dreams of memories, but they are usually somewhat different. You might be dreaming of an event in your childhood, but suddenly it goes down a different path. Maybe the sky suddenly opens up and it rains gumdrops or something. Maybe your fifth and sixth birthday parties are combined. 

Eiji had asked around, and it turned out Sing was right. Apparently it was common to have flashbacks of trauma, something Eiji was entirely certain happened to Ash. Yet, this was something that Eiji had  _ always _ experienced long before he even met Ash. Memories, as perfectly clear and real feeling as the moment they happened. Only once in his life had he ever dreamt of a memory that didn’t happen. 

_ "Can't believe I actually made the flight." _

Sing recommended he try lucid dreaming. He got to relive memories every time he slept, why not make them more fun? 

Eiji thought back to the cruel dream. Sing was wrong, he thought. It was nice while the dream lasted, but all it did was remind him of the what ifs. He had spent more than half of his life now trying to  _ rid _ himself of thinking about what ifs. Not to mention, he never even knew that he was dreaming during the dreams and the few times he realized he was, he instantly woke back up before he had the opportunity to change anything. It was probably for the best that he didn’t even know  _ how _ to lucid dream. Especially given that ever since that dream a couple years ago, all he could think about was what he could have done to have made that dream a reality. He had tried to shut down the  _ what if I told x _ or  _ what if I did y _ intrusive thoughts and had in fact become relatively good at accepting the past. Sure, it still haunted him every day, but it was something he  _ thought  _ he had accepted decades ago.

Yet now, perhaps worsened by the fact he was on fateful plane ride from New York to Tokyo, all he could think about was regret. Why did he foolishly tease Ash, not thinking about ways he was genuinely hurt? He should have been able to guess with his upbringing. Why was his response to just not mention his pain? Ash was just a teenage boy who confessed he was banned from listening to modern music and watching movies. Why didn’t he take the opportunity to  _ teach _ him about the music Eiji loved so much?

He didn’t want to think about it. Eiji flipped through the songs on his phone, avoiding any Queen, and tried to fall back asleep.

\---

_ Ash came back from the bathroom wearing his sleep clothes and a towel around his hair. Eiji hadn’t left the sofa, but it wasn’t like he was waiting--Americans took such quick showers, it was a wonder how they still managed to be clean. Ash was still somewhat dripping wet on the carpet and normally Eiji would scold him, yet after their awkward confrontation he decided against it. _

_ “Hey, about earlier,” Ash told him in a soft voice, “Forget about it, okay? It’s not like I never heard music blasting from boom boxes or the radio or whatever. I’m not deaf. It’s no big deal, okay?” _

_ “Okay,” Eiji agreed. _

**Why did he agree to this? Sure, it was good that he never pushed Ash, that he always gave him his space. But wouldn’t this have been a good opportunity to connect to him? After his gaffe earlier, why didn’t he try to make up for it now? Just an “** ** _Okay_ ** **”? Really? It was clear that Ash spent his shower thinking about this, trying to justify that it was no big deal when it ** ** _was_ ** **.**

_ “Actually...no,” Eiji found his mouth moving, as if by someone else. _

_ “Huh?” Ash asked. He seemed genuinely surprised by his answer. Almost as surprised as Eiji himself was. _

_ “It’s not okay,” Eiji told him, looking him dead in the eye. His words almost felt robotic in delivery, yet they were full of emotion. Yet what it was exactly, he couldn’t tell. Sure, sympathy. But something else, too. _

_ “Well,” Ash exhaled, trying to move on from how taken aback he was, “It’s not like I can do anything about it. Might as well accept it, you know?” With that, he started to walk towards the kitchen. “It’s getting late, I’ll make us something for dinner. What do you want?” _

**Don’t let him walk off to the kitchen. He’s just going to stand in there all alone making spaghetti or one of the two other things he actually knows how to make, all the while thinking more about this. Eiji just told him his past wasn’t okay. If he doesn’t follow up, if he erases Ash’s attempt at numbing himself only to let him dwell on it even more, he would have only made things ** ** _worse_ ** **.**

_ “It’s not too late,” Eiji said. Ash paused, looking at him as if he grew another head. _

_ “Eiji, it’s almost 8. By the time I finish, it’ll be past 9,” Ash answered, skepticism in his voice.  _

_ Something in Eiji’s gut told him that Ash’s reaction had nothing to do with him being thrown off by his objection of time. It was as if Eiji said something he  _ shouldn’t  _ have. Not in terms of tact but...something else. Still, Eiji could tell Ash was trying to brush off the odd feeling just as Eiji was. “Old men like you go to bed early, right?” Ash flashed a smirk. Eiji could tell by his eyes that the smile was fake. _

_ “That’s not what I mean,” Eiji objected almost immediately. “It’s not too late for you. You’re-- _ we’re _ still so young.” _

_ “I...I guess so?” Ash seemed unable to answer. _

**No, don’t ** ** _guess_ ** ** so, Ash! You have to ** ** _know _ ** **it! You can’t just live with this mindset that you missed out on all of life’s opportunities. It's no wonder that you decided to let yourself—**

_ Eiji found himself confused for a moment. What was he just thinking again?  _

_ “Are you okay, Eiji?” Ash asked. He took off the towel from his head, blond hair still damp, and joined Eiji on the sofa. Ash sounded and looked worried, as if there was something wrong with Eiji. Perhaps there was. It was just that he couldn't put his finger on what. Still, that wasn't what was important. _

_ “Yes, of course,” Eiji lied. _

**Ash needs to worry about himself!**

_ Ash looked at Eiji for a moment, but then put his hands to his knees, a sign that he was about to stand back up. _

_ “Is there a record store nearby?” Eiji asked abruptly before the other could stand. _

_ Ash blinked. “Probably. Why?” _

_ “Because we have a lot of music to catch you up on, of course!” Eiji winked. There was still something off, but there was some level of confidence in this action. _

_ “Eiji, you don't—” _

_ “I want to.” _

_ Ash paused. “Alright,” he finally responded as he got up to head towards the kitchen. “Write a list and I'll give it to Alex in the morning to pick it up.” Once he got to the edge of the room he paused and turned back. “Just one question, though.” _

_ “Yes?” _

_ “Your English. Why is it suddenly a hundred times more...American?” _

_ \--- _

Eiji’s eyes flew wide open. Still on the plane, barely any time having passed. He noticed one side of his headphones had fallen into his lap when he was asleep. He put it back in his ear, thinking heavily about his dream.

That was sure new. He clearly remembered what happened all those years ago. Ash confessed that Dino forbade him consuming pop culture, so in turn he didn't know anything about it. Eiji knew it was a touchy subject, so he tried to avoid mentioning it again.

He didn't try to play Ash music. He never asked about a record store. Alex never picked any music up for them. Yet at the same time, that alternative reality didn't  _ hurt _ like the dream a few years ago. In fact, even though he awoke from it and knew now that it was fake it felt... comforting?

Still, it was odd that Dream Ash seemed to notice his accent. Eiji still after all these years of living in America still had a Japanese accent and he had long accepted that he always would, but he also had been told it lessened heavily over the years. Why was his dream self speaking like he currently does, anyway? Eiji s

\---

_ “Earth, Wind & Fire,” Eiji announced to Ash in the middle of their apartment. _

_ “Nope, never heard of them,” Ash shrugged. He was sitting backwards on a wooden dining chair he brought in, while Eiji stood next to the record player. Ash was just going to request Alex get them a cassette player, but Eiji insisted they should go vinyl for the full experience. _

_ “I started learning English my middle school year one,” Eiji explained as he placed the vinyl record in the player, “I did not really have an interest in English, so I thought I was going to hate it. I failed my first test--” _

_ “What with  _ your  _ English?” Ash joked, flashing his signature shit eating grin. Eiji scowled at him, but continued. _

_ “But then I heard this song. I did not know what it meant, but it cheered me up whenever I was sad. Then I realized--I want to know what they are saying!” _

_ “So basically you wanted to learn English so you could understand your favorite songs?” Ash said in a very blasé manner with a yawn.  _

_ “It was  _ important _ to me,” Eiji’s scowl grew even bigger, “English music always helped me whenever I was upset. It encouraged me to study English, which if I did not I would not have been able to come here and meet  _ you _ !” _

_ Ash smirked, “I’m just messing with you.”  _

**That’s just how he is. Don’t let it get to you.**

_ Eiji tried to let go of his irritation and set up the vinyl in the record player. He put the needle to the disc and slowly it started playing. _

“Do you remember the 21st night of November?”

_ Ash looked unimpressed as the song started. Of course he would, out of his own stubbornness. He would insist that it was no big deal, and in reality he missed absolutely nothing. That Eiji had shit taste in music. Then they would be done with it and move on with their life. _

**Don’t let him do that!**

_ Eiji started to dance. Like he would in his room with his walkman when no one was looking. His sister walked in on him a few times and would relentlessly tease him about it. It embarrassed him heavily--he didn't want anyone to see him do that. He was a runner, not a dancer. Still, this was different. This was for Ash. _

_ Ash gave him a bemused smile and laughed at him under his breath. Eiji should be embarrassed, but he wasn’t. He merely smiled back at him. _

_ “You’re ridiculous,” Ash laughed. Yet it wasn’t a judgemental laugh--there was kindness in his words. _

_ “Dance with me,” Eiji reached for his hands. As he grabbed them, he tried to pull Ash up. Yet Ash froze, his smile faded into fear. “Come on, Ash, it’s just us!” Ash stayed frozen for a few moments, but after Eiji lightly tugged on him again, he got up from the chair--a bit more trouble given that he was sitting backwards on it whilst Eiji held both of his hands--and allowed Eiji to pull him into the center of the room. _

“My thoughts are with you, 

holdin' hands with your heart to see you

Only blue talk and love, remember 

How we knew love was here to stay”

_ Eiji still danced awkwardly holding onto both of Ash’s hands. Ash didn’t let go, but he didn’t dance, either. He merely stood there like a deer in the headlights, unsure of what to do for once in his life. _

**Do something!**

_ Eiji sang along. _

_ “Ba-dee ya, say, do you remember? Ba-dee ya, dancin' in September!” _

_ “You kind of suck,” Ash laughed playfully. Eiji didn’t take offense, he merely grabbed his hands tighter and smiled wider as he continued singing. _

_ Slowly, Ash began to bop along to the music. _

\---

Eiji awoke once more due to a slight bump from turbulence. 

That was the second time in his life he dreamt of something that never happened. 

He wanted desperately to fall back asleep, to continue the dream.

\---

_ They danced all through the afternoon. When the vinyl ended, Eiji replaced it with another once. They danced through all of Eiji’s favorite songs. Ones from his childhood, ones that were current. Ash really had good rhythm--much better than Eiji anyway--and once he was able to catch onto the main chorus of the song, he would hum along in a voice that was quiet yet undeniably lovely. _

_ They were casual, but they spun each other around much like a girl and boy would. They didn’t exactly keep consistency on who was the “boy” role and who was the “girl”. They also didn’t say anything about the fact that they were dancing in a way that was...well, would lead to a lot of assumptions if someone where to walk in. _

**But doesn’t Eiji love him? In ** ** _that _ ** **way?**

_ Hours had passed, and they were getting tired quickly. As if the music predicted their feelings, a slow song came on. Love of my Life by Queen.  _

_ “This is one of my favorites,” Eiji told him, slowing down his pace. Ash smiled, but didn’t say anything. _

“Love of my life, you've hurt me,

You've broken my heart, and now you leave me.

Love of my life can't you see,

Bring it back bring it back,

Don't take it away from me,

Because you don't know what it means to me.

_ It was always one of his favorites and yet...something about it resonated so strongly in that moment. As if the lyrics truly reached him for the first time, as if bringing back some repressed memory he could almost reach. _

_ It was almost instinctively that the two ended up slow dancing. He didn’t actively remember deciding to embrace Ash, but there they were. Arms wrapped around each other, gently rocking back and forth. Ash was taller than him, so he ended up leading. Eiji buried his head in his chest, hearing the beat of his heart.  _

_ He felt so warm, so  _ ** _alive_ ** _ . _

“Love of my life don't leave me,

You've taken my love and now desert me,

Love of my life can't you see,

Bring it back bring it back,

Don't take it away from me,

Because you don't know what it means to me.”

_ A weird feeling overcame him, one that almost made him feel like crying. Of course Ash was alive. Was this feeling because Ash lived a dangerous life? That one day, something may happen to him and he might never come back? That Ash might be taken far, far away from him? _

_ No, he always knew that. This was something else. Something stronger. _

“Hurry back hurry back,

Please bring it back home to me,

Because you don't know what it means to me.

_ Tears clouded his vision. He could tell they were getting on Ash’s shirt, but he tried to keep his crying as quiet as possible. He didn’t want to alert Ash, to make him break away from him. _

**You’ll let him go eventually. You didn’t do enough. He won’t come back.**

“Love of my life,

Love of my life.”

_ When the song ended, Ash gently lifted up Eiji’s chin to look him square in the face. Ash seemed alarmed by the tears in his eyes, but Ash too had a look of pure, indescribable emotion on his face. He gave a sad smile, and started to pull away. _

**You two never crossed the line, you know. The feelings were there, but you never acted on them.**

_ “Wait,” Eiji tightened his grip. He knew about his feelings for a long time, but he never did act on them. He didn’t truly know if Ash felt the same way. Would he be disgusted? Would he--? _

**He loved you.**

_ Slowly, Eiji reached a single hand towards Ash’s face and stroked it gently. Very slowly, he closed his eyes and leaned in, standing on the tips of his toes to have his lips reach the taller boy’s. _

_ He felt a hand brush his lips. His eyes opened. _

_ “No,” Ash told him. He removed his hand from his mouth, and Eiji carefully analyzed his expression. It wasn’t angry or disgusted but...sad. _

_ “Why?” he asked. _

_ “We just can’t.” Ash gave a small, fake smile that didn't reach his eyes. He reached towards the record player to turn it off, and wordlessly went off into another room. Eiji wanted more than anything to chase him. _

**Let him go.**

\---

“Excuse me sir,” a voice called out to him, “Can I offer you a refreshment?”

Eiji opened his eyes, unaware that he fell back asleep until he woke again. The flight attendant looked straight at him with her fake customer service smile. The lady sitting to his left wasn’t in her seat, so it was clear she was talking to him alone. Looking more carefully at his face, she repeated the question in Japanese. The flight attendant was a young woman who looked like she would rather be anywhere else. 

Still, Eiji answered politely. “Yes, orange juice please.”

Suddenly her face grew somewhat more concerned. “Are you alright sir?” she asked.

“Hm?” Eiji asked. It was then he was self aware of the fact that his eyes were full of tears. He thought they were just damp from normal sleep, but when he brought his hand to his face, it was clear he had been crying quite a lot. 

He didn’t remember why he had been crying. Maybe a bad dream that he forgot. He didn’t  _ always _ remember his dreams, afterall. Regardless, it was all over now.

“I’m fine,” he said as he took the drink from her, “Thanks for worrying.”

\---

_ They ate dinner more quietly than usual. Eiji had made tempura, something Ash always liked. He especially always loved shrimp tempura. Eiji considered teasing him and adding pumpkin tempura, but decided against it. Especially on a night like tonight. _

_ “You are good at dancing,” Eiji broke the silence. _

_ “I know,” Ash replied bluntly. _

_ “You’re also so humble!” Eiji rolled his eyes. _

_ “I  _ had _ to dance,” Ash pouted as he took a bite of a green bean tempura. _

_ “Had to?” Eiji tilted his head slightly in confusion. _

_ “When I was younger,” he explained, “They’d make me dance for them for hours while they filmed me. If I got tired or tried to stop they’d beat me until I started again.” His voice said it like it was nothing, even including a light shrug. Yet his eyes were completely glazed over, as if he was seeing into the past directly. “They also got mad if I bored them. So you know, I found different ways to--” _

_ “Ash.” _

_ “Hey, don’t worry about it,” he seemed to snap out of it with a playful smile. Yet even if he was in the present, his eyes were still melancholy. “You didn’t know.” _

_ “So when I forced you to...I didn’t mean to bring back bad memories.” _

_ “No, Eiji,” his expression fell, “Don’t think that. I had fun. I feel like…” He trailed off, lost in thought for a moment. “If anything, you’re helping to  _ replace  _ bad memories. So thank you.” _

_ \--- _

“Trash sir?” the same flight attendant asked. Eiji jolted awake. The seat beside him was still empty, making the flight attendant’s statement rudely towards him alone. Still, his empty orange juice cup and napkin were still on the tray table in front of him. He nodded politely as he handed it over to her.

\---

_ “You’re still up?”  _

_ “Welcome back.” _

_ Ash came home late, blood on his shirt. _

**How many times does this have to be relived?**

_ Eiji couldn’t stand it. He saw on the news, he read in the paper, he overheard talks between his gang. Ash was killing people. A lot of people. Many of whom were unarmed. _

_ It wasn’t like Ash. The Ash Shorter, Skip, and him had grown to love was  _ not _ a heartless killer. Eiji promised Ash he would always stay by his side no matter what, that even if the whole world was against him. He didn’t plan on changing that, but still… _

**Ash doesn’t want to kill those people. You know that.**

_ Ash was an incredibly talented person. He was beyond smart, handsome, a great shot, and...in his heart a very good person.  _

_ Ash looked at him with an uncomfortable glance, quickly crossing his arms and shifting away. Eiji realized he had been staring at his blood stained shirt for far too long. _

_ “Ash,” Eiji said calmly. _

_ “They shot my friends to save themselves. It’s revenge for that.” _

_ Eiji felt his hands ball into fists. Hewanted to yell at Ash. To demand that it wasn’t like him to kill unresisting people. That it wasn’t the Ash that he knows, that Shorter and Skip knew. _

_ “Ash, I don’t know your world and--” _

_ “You’re right. You don’t.” _

_ “But you shouldn’t have to be in it,” Eiji continued. _

_ “Well, it is the world I  _ have _ to be in,” Ash’s hands balled into fists, “I  _ have _ to be a murderer to protect myself, to protect my friends. What did you think I was?” _

_ Eiji knew he was losing him fast. That before long he might go off, completely out of his reach. He wanted to tell Ash how special he was, how he should recognize that he’s a gifted person who should use such gifts wisely. How he should be understanding of those who don’t have his sorts of talents. _

_ Yet for some reason, it was as if a force told him not to. _

_ “I think...I think you’re a normal teenager, Ash.” _

_ \--- _

“Trash?” the flight attendant said. Not to him, but loud enough from a few seats over that it woke him once more.

What was with  _ that _ ? An uncomfortable feeling swarmed up in the pit of his stomach, making him feel nauseous. 

Eiji decided perhaps sleep wasn’t the best option right now. His neck was beginning to ache from the awful sleeping position anyway. He pressed the screen on the chair in front of him, hoping to find a movie to distract him. It could be some big summer blockbuster he had no interest in, he didn’t care.

He found a movie that caught his interest. One he had loved but hadn’t seen since he was young. With a shaky hand, he pressed on it.

\---

_ “It’s just a tree,” Ash protested, “I already got us one here in our apartment.” _

_ “Our tree is lovely, but I want to see it,” Eiji had protested back, “The famous giant Christmas tree, all lit up.” He had went early on in his trip to Rockefeller with Ibe, but not in the dark and not at all with the tree. _

_ “Eiji, it’s dangerous for--” _

_ “It can be your Christmas gift to me.” Eiji made sure to flash his best and biggest puppy dog eyes. Ash bit his lip in frustration, but eventually he relented. _

_ A few nights later they went, leaving after sunset on the train. Ash tried to pick a Friday night, when he figured it would be busy with tourists that they could bend in better. Eiji felt that they were as safe as could be, but he could feel Ash tense up next to him as they made their way there. He tried to play it off, but it was obvious to Eiji. The way his shoulders tensed up, the way his eyes would scan  _ everything  _ for  _ any  _ potential threat. _

_ “It’s okay,” Eiji smiled as he grabbed his hand. Ash jumped for a moment, looking around the train car. Two men holding hands in public was not exactly a safe gesture. Still, the train car was relatively empty, with the exception of a man snoring and a woman paying no mind reading a magazine. Ash relaxed, lightly squeezing his hand back. _

_ It was a cold, snowy evening, evident especially when they emerged from the subway. The two of them wore their heaviest coats, Eiji also with a new scarf that Ash had just gotten him. Out of the station it was far more crowded, with many other people wanting to see the famous Christmas tree. Eiji felt excitement grow inside of him, unable to stop a large smile from growing on his face. _

_ It was exciting. He had no memory of this, he thought. It was all new. _

_ Eiji stopped in his tracks. Ash jolted still soon after, looking at Eiji questionably. _

_ Why was Eiji surprised he had no memory of this? Of course he didn’t. Why would he have a memory of the present and future? _

_ “You alright, Eiji?” Ash asked, “Do you wanna go back?” _

_ “No!” Eiji shook his head quickly, “I don't, I'm excited for this.” _

_ “You’ve been acting kind of weird lately,” Ash raised an eyebrow, “Are you sure you’re alright?” _

_ “I’m fine but…” Eiji bit his lip, “I don’t know. I  _ have  _ been feeling strange lately.” _

_ “So--” _

_ “But I don’t think it’s a bad thing,” Eiji cut him off suddenly, a big smile on his face, “In fact, I think I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time.” _

_ “If you say so,” Ash shrugged. The two continued walking, for a while in silence, taking in the winter city night. The tall buildings of the city were all lit up, and Christmas decorations were all about, and the sound of the snow crunching under their feet was an incredibly pleasant sound. _

_ “You know,” Ashfinally added cautiously, “I don’t know why but...for some reason, I don’t think it’s a bad thing, either.” _

_ Eiji didn’t know how to answer. Before Eiji could think of one, they reached the tree. Eiji knew it was famous for being large, but it was much larger than he could have ever expected. In front of a skyscraper and behind a large ice skating rink, it was taller than most buildings in his home town of Izumo, lit with what seemed to be thousands of bright lights. _

_ “It’s beautiful,” Eiji marveled. His eyes felt somewhat damp, as if he could cry. _

_ “Yeah I guess. It’s prettier in person.” _

_ “This is your first time?” Eiji asked, looking over to Ash in shock, “After all these years of living in New York?” _

_ “Just never made it out I guess,” he shrugged. _

_ Eiji didn’t know if that really was the case or if there was some deeper seeded reason, but at the moment he decided not to push it further. Instead, he merely grabbed Ash by the wrist and pulled him forward, towards the rink at the foot of the tree. “Let’s go skating!” _

_ “Do you even know how to skate?” Ash asked, though allowing himself to be pulled. _

_ “No. Do you?” _

_ “Never tried.” _

_ “Then we can try together!” Eiji grinned. _

_ “More like fall together,” Ash laughed under his breath. _

_ “That’s okay,” Eiji shrugged, as they stopped in front of the line, “It can be a story. Ash Lynx, falling on his face skating...Me right behind you of course. We can tell it years from now.” _

_ Ash didn’t answer. _

_ \--- _

_ “I can’t believe you talked me into this.” _

_ “Oh come on, we haven’t been out at night since Christmastime and it’s spring now,” Eiji rolled his eyes. _

_ “For good reason,” Ash frowned, “The city isn’t safe at night. Plus we’re supposed to take the ferry out to Long Island tomorrow to see Ibe.” _

_ “We had so much fun at Rockefeller, didn’t we?” Eiji nudged him with his shoulder as they continued to walk town the streets of Manhattan. _

_ “Well, yes but--” _

_ “We are young, we should have more nights out. ” _

_ Eiji knew that clubs were a touchy subject for Ash and wasn’t going to push them going to something like that. After all, he was trafficked and sexually harassed in many a seedy club. They didn’t need to go anywhere in particular, really. They could just wander the streets and the city lights on their own. _

_ “How about Times Square?” Eiji asked, “I always wanted to see all the lights at night.” _

_ “That sleazy place?” Ash raised and eyebrow, “What, you wanna go to some porn theater? Didn’t know that was your thing.” _

_ “No!” he shook his head, “There is much more to it than that, isn’t there? All the nice theaters, I even read in the newspaper they’re trying to clean it up.” _

_ “Ha, that’ll be the day,” Ash scoffed, “But whatever, I can take you. Just...stay close to me, okay?” _

_ “Alright,” Eiji smiled, pressing his side up against Ash’s. For a moment, he looked as if he was going to turn red and yell at him for getting that close like he so frequently did...but he didn’t. Instead, he laid out to him what subway lines they would have to take to get there. _

_ As Ash had warned, there sure was in fact a lot of...sleaze. It was brightly lit and impressive, but many of the signs advertised peep shows and pornography theaters with posters of scantily clad women on the sides of them. _

_ “Here we are,” Ash unenthusiastically gestured around them, “And great, it looks like it’s going to rain.” _

_ “It’s so...different that I remember,” Eiji found himself commenting. _

_ “I thought you said you’d never been before?”  _

_ “Huh?” Eiji blinked. Ash was right, of course he hadn’t. But then...why did he have some weird feeling about this place, one that was almost like a distant memory? _

_ “Eiji?” _

_ “You’re right,” he answered, “I must be thinking that it’s different from photos.” _

_ “Alright then.” _

_ The weird, almost out of body feelings that Eiji kept having were growing more intense lately. It was almost as if...as if he knew very soon something was going to change. He had always been afraid of losing Ash, and the time he disappeared for far too long, being declared dead by the media before eventually returning home to him… _

_ Perhaps it was that? The close call? Almost losing him? _

_ No, it wasn’t that. _

_ A few drops of rain started to fall onto their heads. _

_ “You’re not comfortable here,” Eiji commented. _

_ “Hm?” Ash turned to him, “It’s not raining that hard. I won’t melt.” _

_ “Let’s go somewhere else.” Eiji pulled his wrist and kept going. To where, he wasn’t exactly sure. He didn’t know the city super well, especially not as well as Ash. Yet still, he led him. _

_ “Are you taking me somewhere in particular?” Ash finally asked. _

_ “No,” he admitted, loosening his lead. _

_ Ash chuckled under his breath. “That’s alright,” he said, “But let’s try to not get lost down some dangerous alley or something.” _

_ And so they walked. Ash of course knew the city like the back of his hand, able to tell him what streets they should avoid. He would point out a few of his favorite bars, a closed second hand shop where he got a lot of his clothes, and a few other odds and ends places. Eiji didn’t know how much time had passed or what time it even was, but it didn’t matter. He enjoyed wandering the night away with him, hearing him talk. _

_ “Here,” Ash signaled to a sandwich shop that was still open, “One of my favorite places. You hungry?” _

_ “I can eat,” Eiji nodded. Ash grinned. _

_ There were a few tired and drunk looking stragglers in the shop, but it was for the most part quite empty. Ash went right to the counter and told the exhausted and somewhat greasy looking cashier that he wanted two pastramis on rye, extra mustard. _

_ “Here you are,” Ash said as he plopped the two sandwiches down on the table. The table had dried mustard and crumbs all over it, and yet it was the cleanest one still available. Eiji skeptically took one of the sandwiches and took a bite. _

_ “Too much mustard!” Eiji cringed, “Why do you always do that?” _

_ “You baby,” Ash laughed as he ate his own. Eiji frowned and took off the top bread of the sandwich and with a napkin attempted to wipe away some of the mustard. Ash leaned over and wiped off some of the mustard on the corner of Eiji’s mouth with his thumb. Eiji blushed. Ash ruined the moment by putting his thumb in his mouth, sucking off the mustard. _

_ “You’re disgusting,” Eiji scoffed. Ash merely laughed harder. _

_ It was far cooler when they went back outside. The wind picked up and the light drizzle of the night turned into a light rain. _

_ “Wanna head back?” Ash asked, cupping his hands out to the rain. _

_ “Sure,” Eiji agreed, “But we don’t need to rush.” _

_ “Okay,” Ash nodded. _

_ A minute later, as if the faucet of the sky had been turned on full blast, it suddenly started pouring. _

_ “Ugh, I wish I had an umbrella,” Ash groaned, putting his hands above his head in an attempt to shield himself from the rain. _

_ “Should we find a place to stay dry until it passes?” _

_ “Yeah,” he agreed. With that, this time Ash grabbed Eiji’s arm and pulled him down an alley. Ash scoured the area for a shop or establishment they could enter, but nothing. _

_ “We could stand under there,” Eiji offered, pointing to a closed shop with a small awning above the chained door. _

_ “Alright.” _

_ It wasn’t a big awning, nor was it sturdy. With the high wind, they had to press themselves close together for it to make any difference, still of course finding themselves getting wet. Ash had his back to the chained up door, while he pulled Eiji in chest to chest, almost like a hug. _

_ “This is dumb,” Ash laughed after a few moments, “What are we even doing?” _

_ “Waiting out the rain,” Eiji answered matter of factly, looking directly into Ash’s green eyes that were only barely visible from the city lights. _

_ “I’m still getting pretty wet and I’m further in,” Ash poked Eiji’s nose, “I bet your entire ass is soaked.” _

_ “I don’t mind,” Eiji found himself bringing his head closer to his. _

_ “This is like some trashy romance movie,” Ash joked with a smirk as he tilted his own head down. _

_ “What does that imply about us?” _

_ “You’re ridiculous,” Ash scoffed,. _

_ “Am I now?” _

_ To Eiji’s surprise, Ash abruptly kissed him. _

_ It wasn’t their first kiss, but the time they did before didn’t actually mean anything. Ash lifted his hands and cupped Eiji’s damp cheeks as he kissed him. His lips were soft and he definitely knew what he was doing even if there was a sort of messy desperation behind it. Eiji was far more awkward with kissing and found his hands hovering for a moment before he decided to rest them near Ash’s waist, pulling him genty closer. _

_ All too soon, Ash broke away. _

_ “I--I’m sorry, Eiji,” he gasped for breath, “I shouldn’t have--” _

_ “Please don’t apologize.” _

_ “You know we can’t do this, Eiji,” he replied in a devastatingly melancholic tone. _

_ “Why not?” _

_ “Eiji, think about it,” his tone turned irritated, “Even ignoring that we’re from different countries--hell even ignoring that we’re both  _ guys _ , do you really think for one moment we could ever have a future together? At all?” _

_ Eiji wanted to say yes. He wanted to beg Ash to run away with him, to come with him to Japan and live a peaceful life, away from all of this. _

**That wouldn’t be enough.**

_ “It would be hard. We have a lot of things stacked against us. But all I know...” he paused for a moment before continuing. “Is that any future without you would be meaningless.” _

_ It was a selfish phrase, and perhaps one that wasn’t  _ entirely  _ true. Yet it hit directly into Ash’s heart nonetheless. For a full minute neither of them said anything, with only the sound of the rain pounding down and passing cars hitting puddles in nearby streets making a sound. _

_ “You don’t know that,” Ash finally sighed, “It’s not like you know the future.” _

_ “ _ **You’re wrong** _ ,” Eiji told him directly in the eye. _

_ \--- _

“Must be a boring movie.” 

Eiji opened abruptly, startled by the voice. When he realized he had been woken up, he frowned. “It’s rude to wake others up when they’re sleeping.”

“It’s rude to snore and bother everyone on this damn flight.”

“Get earplugs then,” he scowled as he fooled with the screen in front of him, attempting to rewind it to where he last remembered, “I think the airlines provided them.”

“Oh c’mon, after thirty plus years  _ I’m _ used to it. It’s the poor families on board that I’m worried about.”

“I bet you snore louder than anyone,” Eiji crossed his arms.

“Nah, don’t think that’s possible.”

“Excuse me,” Eiji lightly tapped the lady in the seat in front of him.

“Huh?” the lady turned around, confused.

“Was I snoring?”

“What? Oh, uh, I dunno. I’m watchin’ a movie,” she replied before immediately turning back around.

“See,” Eiji smiled triumphantly.

“She probably has her headphones at deafening levels. Or is just trying to be polite.”

“I doubt it. I think you just got bored and want my attention.”

“And if I do want your attention?”

“You shouldn’t interrupt my dreams to do so,” Eiji frowned.

“Well, now I have you to tell me about it,” he smirked, “Which one was it this time?”

“A lot of the usual,” Eiji shrugged, “When we danced together, our first  _ real _ kiss.”

“Oh?”

“But also,” Eiji lowered his head, “ _ That _ one.”

“ _ That _ one?”

“The one where you died.”

“Oh,” Ash frowned.

“I mean it was just a dream, obviously,” Eiji shrugged, “But it just feels so...so  _ real _ , like any other dream of mine that I have had repeatedly over all these years. I wrote you a letter and prayed I’d see you again but…And for some reason, I can see the  _ years _ after. Always waiting for you, not accepting that you’d never...well...”

“I remember the first time you told me...but as you said, it was just a dream,” Ash grasped his hand.

Ash had aged quite a lot in the thirty years they’d been together, but in a lot of ways he was still the same. Sure, he had some wrinkles and a few grey hairs he would grumble about whenever Eiji pointed out, but he was still incredibly beautiful to Eiji.

Times weren’t always easy for them. Ash had his emotional baggage that would never go away, and for the first few years Eiji often found himself feeling helpless seeing the love of his life suffer even after he was free. They also, like any couple, also had their fair share of arguments and fights. Yet despite everything, despite all the hardships, they both always held on. They always would.

“Of course,” Eiji smiled, “Let’s not think of what ifs.”

“Right,” Ash smiled, “We should be more concerned about Retsu accidentally killing that damn cat while we’re gone.”

“He won’t,” Eiji playfully smacked him, “We’ve known him his whole life. He’s a responsible kid.”

“I’m not sure,” he joked, “I remember how his dad was at his age.”

“Hush.”

“Ayaka’s the same age as him, right?”

“He’s a little older, actually.”

“That’s hard to believe,” Ash tsked, “I trust her way more. We should fly her over to babysit our pets instead.”

“Stop it,” Eiji laughed, “Everything is going to be fine.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I had about 5 different versions of the final flashback and found myself perpetually dissatisfied. Originally the rain scene wasn't going to be the last one, but rather would be followed by something else. Yet I was never satisfied with it and went back and altered that scene to make sense as the final one.


End file.
